exhaustion

my friend posted about a month ago about her frustration and exhaustion raising kiddos about the same ages as mine. i think i hit that point as well. knowing that she has gone before me makes it a tad easier - that maybe it's normal?? but it is SO HARD!
the ladybug is moving around so much, crawling almost as fast as i can walk. she cruises along furniture, reaching for whatever she can grab. she forages the smallest particles off the floor, gets them into her mouth and clamps shut. she dumps out any container she can reach. she finds open doors. she discovers all electrical outlets and enjoys pulling out cords. i'm always picking up and putting away, but you'd never know by looking.
zoom is testing the boundaries relentlessly. i know that is his job right now. i know my job is to be consistent, but that is SO HARD! he catches me off guard and suddenly i realize i didn't acknowledge a misbehavior. or the opposite, i am saying the same thing over and over and over, getting louder and louder, angrier and angrier.
so many more negative words come out of my mouth than i want - don't do this, stop, ahhhhh!, that is not okay, NOOOO!,... So much time in 'time out' or 'taking a break'.
am i even noticing his good behavior or am i using that time to personally refocus?
i didn't think i would be this mom. not that i thought i wouldn't be angry or sad, but grab at him the way i do?? so relieved when he is in bed (and so grateful that he sleeps thru the night!) i felt some comfort the other night while having dinner with friends (who have children of various ages). one mother said, "if you have a high energy child and you have NEVER felt like ringing his/her neck, you aren't being honest with yourself".
i haven't rung his neck, i guess that's what's important, right? kind of like PPD - it's perfectly normal to think about smothering your crying baby because the sound is so horrible, but a very different thing to actually DO it.
the ladybug resists sleep - so i get less sleep or time without the kids. she doesn't want to go down for naps or at bedtime if anything is going on or anyone is awake. what are the chances of THAT?
i am tired. my eyes hurt during the day.
if/when they do nap, thankfully it usually overlaps for at least 30 minutes. but what do i do during that time?? take a moment for me? fold the piles of laundry that are constantly filling the couch? work on our finances? plan a week of meals - or maybe just tonight's meal? tidy up? phone someone?
i don't feel like i ever get caught up.
then there are so many things i WANT to do. crafts, keeping up on their baby memories, do a little of my own decorating, garden,
i know it is a stage, and i have not forgotten the difficulties of previous stages that are now past. i know there will be more difficult phases to come (like teenagers out at night), but that doesn't make it any less difficult now.

last night some friends came over to care for the kids, giving us a night out. this is the first time we've left the girl with anyone besides the grandparents. she was really weepy, but we had to go - such a different feeling from leaving zoom for the first time. i know how much i need this.
less than two hours later we got a text that both the kids were asleep! wow!! we can't even do that some nights! we had a nice time, came home and had some great conversations with our friends, and we all slept really well last night.
maybe there is hope.