working out the bugs

today the kids and i were at the thrift store. i didn't have a huge agenda, just a couple things on my list (a compost bin for in my kitchen and a couple pair of "work" shorts for claire for the summer). we happily cruised down the aisles, looking at this and that, and landed in our usual spot - the kids area to play until it is time to go. jack needed a little nudging to put things back when he was done looking at it. claire did her normal run-and-hide routine, but in all it was a great outing, without incident.
until check out time.
we were buying a book for a friend and jack really wanted to hold it. i told him that as soon as the cashier rung it up, he was welcome to carry it to the car. he began to whine, hanging off the counter, "i just want it now". no big deal, this happens - sigh - a lot. "i understand that you'd like to hold it, and i'm happy for you to help carry it, just as soon as the cashier rings it up" i repeat.
i know what its like to want something really bad, but i've learned that its just not socially acceptable to throw myself on the ground and scream because i want it so much!
for a three-and-a-half year old, who is still discovering that this world is much much bigger than just his world, the moment is now and that book couldn't get in his hands fast enough.
tantrum ensued.
throwing himself on the ground, he began screaming this new high pitched most-undesirable squeal .
i asked him to use his manners, find his inside voice and practice being patient (all things that we have had multiple detailed conversations about , so these are not foreign phrases)
then he totally flipped out; trying to grab the book off the counter, tossing off a stack of fliers, grabbing another item and running off towards the door. PTL he doesn't like being too far from me, so he didn't actually run out the door, but threw himself down on the ground right there.
okay, i thought, we'll just get this paid for and he'll be that much closer to the car. i choose to ignore him. this was very difficult. my fear of what others think went into high gear and i became very aware of how many customers were in the store for a weekday morning.
the cashier was very gracious, spoke really gently to me and asked what it was he wanted.
at this point there was no way i wanted to reward this kind of behavior by giving him the book he wanted to hold.
then he swiped a customer with the piece of clothing that he had grabbed off our stack as she was leaving the store. this i can't ignore. i went over, told him that was rude and completely unacceptable, that he was making very poor choices, and set him on a chair that was right at the exit.
i went back to the register, handed over the money and was ready to depart with my head still on when jack went past me and underneath a display.
claire is in my arms, my bag is in the other. i was a little unsure how one executes ANY sort of parental response at this point, with hands full. knowing my child, i knew we had hit that point of no return. he was on the downward spiral, his emotions so worked up that i was sure he didn't even remember what it was that started this run. i bent down to him and quietly told him it was time to leave. if he chose to delay, there would be no playing in the backyard when we got home (a pretty significant consequence since he is in the middle of a construction project right now).
he did not come. now there is a line of customers and i am cutting into the line to have this conversation with him. i said i was going to put claire in the car and come back for him - super glad he reluctantly followed, because as i said it i realized that would mean leaving her in the car alone while i came back in.
we got out the door, i thought over the worst, and he adhered himself to the wall outside the store. he would not come. this whole time he did not stop yelling/crying. he tried to disassemble the cigarette receptacle. two kind women stopped, offering to help. i didn't know how they could help, and when they asked him a question, he snarled back.
"he's so cute" they told me - women of grace, they were to see thru the nastiness he was putting on! "working out the bugs" they read off his shirt in attempts to change the subject for him, but he covered up his shirt and curled into the wall. i guess that's what we were doing, working out some of his bugs.
i was surprised at how calm i really felt. i wasn't angry at him. should i have been? i was really sad for him, knowing how hard it is to stop when you have worked yourself up so strongly. i know how hard it is to say, "i was wrong". and i'm 34. i told him i understood that he was angry, and it is okay to be angry, but if he didn't choose to follow me we would go directly to rest time when we got home. he made his decision by ignoring me. i decided to take claire to the car and come back for jack, so thankful that she was patiently waiting to see how i would respond. i told jack what i was going to do and he cried, but stayed against the wall. as soon as i walked into the parking lot, he took his volume to a whole new level and started coming into the parking lot. of course i had to go back.
another 5 minutes was spent on the curb, with multiple attempts at communicating, "you cannot sit in the parking lot. you cannot run into the parking lot. you can come with me now and hold my hand, or i can come back and get you once i put claire in the car." he would not go back to the sidewalk, he would not come with me. that's when i became "that mom" i've seen before, dragging one kicking and screaming child thru the parking lot, while carrying the other who has begun to cry.
we made it. i actually had to hold jack between my knees while i buckled claire into her seat to keep him there. then i held him. he wouldn't get in the car, we were in a parking lot. i didn't have another choice. i held him, i told him i loved him even though he was not making good choices. he grabbed at my neck, scratching me. i still wasn't angry, just really, really sad. i was actually surprised that i wasn't angry. i held his arms crossed so that he couldn't hit/scratch me and just held him. "as soon as you are ready to get in the car, you can have your own space in the car seat"
his head started hurting - doesn't YOURS?! he knows it is because he is crying so hard. finally. FINALLY, he said he was ready to get in the car (actually because it was windy and he was getting cold). we had a mini outburst when buckling him in, but he was finally in, and we were off.
three blocks towards our on ramp and he unbuckled his seat belt. i pulled off the road, into a parking lot and for another 5 minutes attempted to buckle him. "seat belts are here to protect us", "this is the law", "this is not your choice", "we are not going anywhere without your seat belt on". at least five minutes and three attempts before i got back in the car and drove home.
to rest time.

in the car, he asked why we couldn't stop at Noodle for lunch (!!??$#%#$WHAT??) i told him that we need to go straight home because he chose not to listen (and a few other reasons, but briefly). i asked if he remembered why he was upset. interestingly, he said he didn't want to leave the store.

what would you do?
seriously, today i actually thought some of the myriad parenting ideas, as it was going down. there are great ideas out there, sometimes i just don't know how to put them into action.
logical punishments, time-outs, withholding good things, ignoring it, physical punishments, waiting it out.....sometimes i go with one, sometimes i switch around.
when you are out of the house, with another child, other dangers around (and CPS could be lurking), what do you do? what do you say? how do you follow through?
i'm not interested in just getting home. i want to deal with it while he is thinking about it. i want to make it a learning moment. maybe part of why i felt so patient about it is that i didn't have anything else i HAD to do this morning. bummed that THIS became our morning, but i wasn't inconvenienced in other ways (like missing out on a second errand...)

i hesitated even writing this post, because i don't really want to remember this morning - or have it etched in that world wide web thing forever. but i really want to talk about it.
i'm really curious to hear responses here...and i'm tired.