hope.

when jackson was born i had no idea what the reality of having children was all about. coming to terms with my reality was brutal. i was sleep deprived and had a child who would cry when i put him down. accomplishing daily life stuff was monumental; laundry, grocery shopping, cooking food. the basics, right? but there were days i just didn't get to it! how could this wee little one zap it all from me?
i was overwhelmed.
i felt depressed.
i was sad more than i had ever felt in my life.
i went to see a therapist.
for the most part she was helpful, but one unhelpful comment had been in bold highlight in my memory ever since. "when i think about those early years, i think about sitting by the pool sipping iced tea with my friends, watching the kids play"
WHATTTTTTT?!!!
didn't she just hear me cry my eyes out to her about how sad i felt about motherhood? how i wasn't feeling connected like i heard other mothers talk about with dreamy looks in their eyes as they swooned over their babes? didn't she realize how comments like hers were the ones that made me feel even more like something was wrong with me?!
i know what she meant. perhaps she just blocked out those earlier years. perhaps her experience was different than mine.
i thought a lot about that comment this summer because this was the summer finally got to sit by the pool and sip iced tea.
it was more of an exhausted, collapsed by the pool kind of feeling, but certainly different than previous years.
a summer of...FINALLY!!
all the big changes in our family life came to a head this summer.
the new job for hubby has given great relief (tho not necessarily fewer hours - yet!), the kids are more independant and enjoy playing together.
it felt like a big sigh. while appearing more restful, it wasn't exactly so. we've just been so deprived that there is a lot of catching up to do in many areas. this was the summer to begin to see a change.
now that the leaves are changing and there is a crispness in the air i can't help but feel a twinge of anxiety, wondering what this winter will be like. PTL we've had some really lovely weeks of true fall weather (unlike last year where it seemed to jump right from summer to winter!)
maybe this winter will be one of savoring sips of hot drinks and reading on the couch. maybe this winter will be the one where claire starts to sleep through the night. maybe this will be the winter we feel refreshed by the minnesota cold.
the fog has begun to lift and that is a start.