down with the sickness, it is disturbing

my body finally succumbed to a winter cold - ha! now that winter is over.
i am so thankful to have made it this long, but wow, this sucks.
the kids have had runny noses for a couple weeks, and the past few days it has turned into non-stop nasty nose and hacking cough (the kind where you just want to cough for them, it sounds so ineffective!)
during the kids nap time, i kept thinking that i should lay down too, my head beginning to throb and my eyes hurting, but i am not a napper. and for crying out loud, nap time and bedtime are my ONLY time alone! i'll spend them awake even if i don't feel great, thank you!
as the day progressed, my voice grew weaker and weaker, until it finally disappeared. zoom kept telling me to talk normal, and then asked if i would ever talk normal again.
what was really disturbing to me was how often i wanted to raise my voice, but literally could not! do i really yell this much or was this an extra special day of testing mom? to think i actually wondered if maybe my whisper voice would command their interest in a new way! on the contrary, they acted as if they couldn't hear me. some times they probably couldn't. but pulling out the old tricks like yelling in the house, when our "outside voices" has been long established. i found zoom ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE!!! he has never done that before. it is the little lady's new trick, that stealthy climber, no i am sure he was just copying her, but he knows better! he was putting her pacifier in his mouth, climbing on furniture that is not for climbing, pushing, grabbing, and not using manners.
when i asked him to spend some time in his room for a misbehavior, he did a common meltdown, where he yells and throws himself around. do i usually raise my voice in that situation so that he hears me over his own yelling? is there another way? today there had to be. i couldn't yell louder. practicing some of the love and logic philosophy was easier, i guess. i really was sad for the choices he was making. and i was sad at how badly i wanted to YELL at him!
this has felt like a big part of the long winter. i feel like he is constantly testing. i am constantly on guard. i don't want to assume that he will misbehave, but i fear that i notice those moments so much more quickly and often than good behavior.
sigh.
my mom is coming tomorrow. that is always a welcome relief to feeling outnumbered. i hope to have a date with zoom, even just a walk to the park, and enjoy some goodness from the old times.
i really want to go to bed.
i hope we all feel better tomorrow.