heart strings

starting preschool has made more of an impact on our life than i anticipated!
jackson is going to a little neighborhood dual immersion preschool three mornings a week. it is great and over all we LOVE it! it is really close, very diverse, has a really active community of parents and teachers, and he is learning spanish!
that said, it is amazing how three little mornings a week can feel like so much!

• three days where we really shouldn't try to do much else, lest we get overstimulated
• six extra commutes.
• waking up my deep sleeper every. single. morning!
• finally (i know you scheduled people, i've finally converted) getting ourselves a morning routine.
• stopping the morning play, the best play of the day
• being on time. in the morning!

the first few weeks were hard, he wanted to go to school, but he didn't want to leave me. he didn't want to miss out on what claire and i were doing without him! he would cling to my leg, beg me not to leave, or to take him with me. ironically, claire wanted to be a part of the class and would beg to stay just 5 more minutes, every day! we climaxed a week ago when he began to cry as i left. the day he was holding my leg and claire was prostrate on the ground because she wanted to stay, i asked for back up. for one pretty miserable week (just three mornings) i would stay for only 5 minutes, then a teacher would come take jackson while claire and i left. i couldn't' watch, knowing he was clawing at the walls, the door, anything to come to me. i couldn't look because i knew it was the right thing to do, and peeking would only make me question what i already knew.

preschool is about separation. at the end of the day he only had great things to say about school, so i knew he enjoyed it. the teachers are wonderful and we knew we were leaving him in good care. so it was really the act of watching me leave without him and knowing he was missing out on something else that made him doubt.

the following week was magic - he initiated goodbye, he walked away from me to a project table, he gave me a kiss without hanging on my neck.

considering we had him enrolled for kindergarten this fall i'd say we made the right decision to take a year of preschool! next year he just might be going to school 5 days a week all day long! geez! that is a lot!

i have (okay, still do) thought about the idea of home schooling. i know it would be really difficult for me, but there is so much about it i would really enjoy. already i am missing being his lead teacher! he is only gone from me 7.5 hours a week, but i really miss being the one to see the delight in his eye as he discovers something new. i miss walking with him as he figures something out. i miss being able to point something out that i know will challenge his thinking.

and already i am getting an unsatisfying answer to the question, "how was school?". i have to eavesdrop when he talks with his doggy to hear a few more details.

at the same time, i know that it is my job to help him become a strong individual who knows himself independent from me. a person who has the tools to work thru his thoughts, make decisions, and have confidence in his beliefs. i want him to be able to listen to other perspectives, work in groups, be a positive, helpful person in the community, and grow into the person God made him to be.

i want that.

i know we can't lead him in that alone. my old refrain again - we need our community to help us with that. maybe it is that our relationship with this school is still really new, whereas our relationships with the others who are helping us raise our children are relationships we have fostered for years! i am needing to trust as we grow our relationship.

this is good for me.

and i am still processing all this...the desire to protect, the desire to trust, the desire to let go, the desire to hold on, knowing the balance of these desires.